


This Empty Love

by Lazarus76



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Eating Disorders, F/M, Love, Real world, relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-26
Updated: 2016-03-26
Packaged: 2018-05-29 07:40:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6365218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lazarus76/pseuds/Lazarus76
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hux is a hotshot businessman for a company, you a teacher. You live together. But can you handle your creeping doubts about how he views you? Insecurity can be a dangerous thing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This Empty Love

Being with someone so perfect had its benefits.

And its costs. 

Coming home from attending another formal function at the business that Hux partnered with his alleged friend, Kylo Ren, you sank down onto the couch and sighed. The dress you were wearing had felt inappropriate - too tight, and too low cut - and the shoes hurt. It did not help that Kylo's cousin, Rey, a perfect, dainty build, and Phasma, Hux's personal assistant, a tall, beautiful, amazon , had both been there all night. 

And so had he, immaculate in a crisp black suit, hair carefully combed, facial expression glacial. Except he never could quite do that with you. With you, his facial expression became soft, gentle, generous. 

Since you met, you've been very conscious of Hux's ruthless need for discipline and self-control. He gets up earlier than you to work out, whilst you'd prefer an extra half hour in bed. You don't mind exercise, but six days a week? No. As for food, he doesn't seem to feel the urge to have something sweet or fat drenched every so often. Everything has to be calorie counted.

"Any particular reason?" You asked him once.

"Oh, only to get maximum efficiency." His reply sounded casual, not forced. "It just suits me."

As you lie on the couch, listening to him going to the bedroom, you begin to wonder. Next to the other women, was your taste for sugar beginning to show? You don't eat that much of it - a couple of chocolate bars a week - but you still feel as though there is too much of you, compared to them. 

"(Y/N), are you coming to bed? Its nearly midnight!"

You get up slowly, massaging the back of your neck. As you walk past the bedroom, you call out you're going to brush your teeth. "Don't be long", is the response.

You leave and go into the bedroom. Hux is sitting up in bed, his chest bare, the covers pulled up to his waist. He looks up from his iPad and smiles. "Come to bed."

"I will," you respond. You begin to unzip your dress, then bite your lip. Turning, you begin to leave. "I'll be back in a sec."

"What?" his face creases. "Are you not going to undress here?"

"I - left my pyjamas in the bathroom," you reply, your mind whirring. There is no way you want to expose what you perceive as your imperfections to him right now. 

"Pyjamas?!" Hux's eyebrows go up. "(Y/N), I wasn't really thinking of sleeping. We have had conflicting schedules lately - you're asleep when I come back, and I wanted to-"

"Hux," you manage, feebly, still clad in your dress, which feels tighter by the minute. "I really am tired."

His face lowers, and you notice a flash in those cool blue eyes. "I see," he responds, his tone calmly polite. "Sleep it is then." Without another word, he reaches out and snaps off his beside light, leaving you in the darkness.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Work is a struggle. You woke up to find him already gone, and in the kitchen, a coffee mug and cereal bowl in the sink. You did feel regret, at that point. When Hux is angry, he doesn't shout or smash things - he leaves that to Kylo. He shuts off, locks down, and refuses to acknowledge you. 

"Its how I was raised," he explained after you'd been together six months. Two years later and you're still adjusting to it. But you know that when he is in this mood, its best to leave him be. 

You look up from the exercise book you are marking. Your job - a History High School teacher - your interests, you life - seem so drab and dull next to the exciting young men and women you met at Hux's workplace. Talking and laughing and exchanging, whilst you feel as though you're in stasis, just waiting. 

And he's there, with young, attractive women, all of whom would be only to happy to lie next to him at night. In your place. 

You look at the mug and plate next to you. Poe, a colleague, has brought you a cookie that his partner baked. Chocolate chip. You reach for it, then decide to pick it up, and throw it in the trash. 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

You're in bed by the time Hux gets home. He works long hours, and you aren't surprised. He comes into the bedroom, and raises his eyebrows. 

"Pyjamas?" he asks. You blush. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry, (y/n)," he chides gently. He sits on the bed, his crisp white shirt and aftershave mingling an attractive scent. "I just prefer to see you, rather than have you hide." He reaches out, and strokes your hair. "You are lovely."

You feel stung. Lovely. A phrase as applicable to your personality as your looks. "Oh, you are lovely." That's the phrase your boss uses when you help him clear up after a long meeting, or your students use when you offer extra revision after school. Lovely. Not beautiful. Not gorgeous. Not sexy.

Lovely.

"Did you eat?" you ask. 

"Yes, Kylo decided at 7pm he needed pizza." Hux smiles. "Did you?"

You blink. You haven't. You came home, stomach growling, and decided you could do without dinner. So you had a couple of cups of coffee. "Yes."

"Right, well, I'm going to take a shower. And then-" he leaned over and kissed you on the forehead - "I expect conversation. If nothing else."

You smile faintly. "Of course."

Hux is happy. You're lovely, you're compliant, and that's what he wants. As he gets up, you look at your book. Safe, boring, lovely. How can you ever expect to keep a man like this? 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

"Coming for lunch?"

Poe is in the door, smiling. Finn is behind him - the two newest members of the Faculty, and thankfully, the geekiest. You like spending time with them both. They are sweet, funny, and you get on well.

You bite your lip. "I have marking." You gesture at the pile of books. Poe frowns. "I think you should. We haven't seen you in the cafeteria all of last week."

"Oh, I'm fine." You tap a plastic box. "I brought lunch."

Poe nods. "OK. But I still think you could do with something substantial. You do burn a lot of calories in this job!"

The two turn and leave. You look at the box of plain green and chicken salad. That's all for today.

All. 

+++++++++++++++++++++++

"Miss (y/n), are you all right?"

You blink. Its been eight days since you last ate a proper meal. Hux is still pulling ludicrous hours - constantly muttering about how CEO Snoke is demanding, annoying, and Kylo can't do anything without smashing a console - and therefore, you've had no need to cook for the two of you. He is never in, and can never see what you do. Although, you think idly, cooking for your man might be a good idea...

"Miss!"

You snap to attention. "Jake?"

"Are you allright?" the teenager in the front row is looking at you with concern. The rest of the class are silent, hushed. "You don't seem very - with it."

You force a smile. "I do apologise. I'm just tired. Now, let's get back to the rise of Stalin. Any questions?"

++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hux returns two nights later to find lasagne waiting. "You cooked?"

"Yes." You gesture to the table. You're wearing a nicer pair of black jeans, and a red t shirt he once commented showed your curves - although, thankfully, they are starting to diminish. "Please eat."

Hux blinked. "Well-" he swallowed. "I did grab a snack with Rey, but that was two hours ago."

"Rey?"

"My junior." Hux sat down, and you sit opposite, your hands cradling a cup of black coffee. He looks at you. "You're not eating?" 

"I ate earlier." You bite your lip. "I went to the gym."

His eyebrows go up. "Well, that's how many times in a row?" He forks up the pasta and meat concoction. "Its wednesday," he comments, after chewing and swallowing. "That's three days."

"You can always be fitter," you respond, wondering if that is criticism. Hux looks at you again, his brow creasing. "I'm just surprised, (y/n). I know you don't really like exercise."

It is criticism. "I can change," you mutter, taking a sip of black coffee. And you are certainly going to have to if Rey - ten years your junior, and at least four sizes smaller -thinks she's in with a chance. 

"Well, don't do it too quickly," Hux warns. "I don't want you injuring yourself."

"Don't worry." You look at him. "Food good?"

"Excellent. Thank you."

Mollified, you take another sip. Watching him eat gives you pleasure. You smile. "I just thought it was a nice thing to do."

"Witch," Hux says, affection in his voice. 

"Sorry?"

"Fattening me up like the witch in Hansel and Gretel." He is grinning now, a facial expression unseen by many, except you. "Planning to eat me?"

At this point, you lean over and purr. "Only so you can't run away."

He looks at you. "Fat chance of me running from you."

Fat. You shiver, and take another sip of coffee. Coded messages. There are so many. You force a smile, and ignore the sickening feeling of hunger in your stomach. 

+++++++++++++++++++++++

Three nights later, you're in bed, half asleep. A long day of teaching and long parent's meeting, and you're done. Hux pads in from the bathroom, freshly showered, wearing a towel. You blink. His muscles are so perfectly sculptured, with no body fat, and a lean waist. You feel defensive - despite going to the gym at least five days out of seven, and only eating salad and two cookies a day, you still feel as though you're cocooned in fat. When he lies next to you, you admire the sleekness of him, wondering if he's repulsed by the doughy, swelling softness of you. Its been fourteen days since you reduced your intake and upped exercise, and you still feel as big as before. 

"Right." He slides in next to you, and immediately hooks an arm round your shoulders. "Get over here. Two weeks of taking this bed in shifts is enough. I demand attention."

You smile and turn to him. "Whatever you wish."

"Perfect." He begins to lean forward, sliding his hand up, hooking underneath the light lilac top you're wearing. He draws you closer. "I-"

Suddenly, he stops, and pulls back. "What's going on, (y/n)?"

"Eh?" you're confused. You were preparing to be kissed. He is looking at you with an expression of almost shock. 

"Ribs," he says, slowly. His eyes are locking into yours, and they are making you shiver. "I can feel your ribs."

"Muscle," you say, airily. "I've been going to the gym more, remember?"

"Yes." He nods. "Which is also my gym, and apparently, you've been going four to five times a week." He looks at you, and this time his expression is cold. "And now I can feel your ribs. Care to explain?"

"Explain what?"

Hux is beginning to look agitated. "What are you doing to yourself?"

"Nothing." You lie down, suddenly feeling angry. "Look, do you want something? Because if not, I'd like to sleep?"

"Do I-" Hux is speechless. "You've never spoken to me like that before. What is going on?"

"Well?" Your voice is angry, demanding - you want him next to you, to hold you, but he's looking as though he'd rather be on the other side of the world. "Do you want to-"

"No." His voice cuts through the tension in the room. "I don't really like the idea of wrestling with someone whose bones might be a hazard, so I'm going to sleep in the other room." He pushes the covers back, and gets up. "All right? The other room. When you want to start behaving like an adult, and tell me what's going on, I'll be happy to listen."

"NOTHING IS GOING ON!" At this point, you're furious. Who is he to make judgement on you? He, with his perfect body, perfect demeanour, perfect attitude, and his perfect female colleagues. So much more perfect than you, who he probably thinks is lazy, fat, and sloppy. You glare at him. "What's wrong Hux? Upset I'm not Rey? Or Phasma?"

He looks at you, thunderstruck. "I'm sorry to say this," he hisses out, "but you really are behaving like a child. I'll see you in the morning."

He strides across the room, and slams the door. You roll over, and try not to cry.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

He's back late the next day.

And the next. 

And the next.

You don't care. You go to the gym. Its soothing - all that lifting, and crunching, and running. You ignore the trainers coming to talk to you, and instead decide to focus on your own thing. 

When you come home, on the fifth day after the fight, he is there. At the kitchen table, eating food you left. 

"Excellent Chili," he comments, waving his fork. You are still in your gym kit and you notice his eyes roaming over your legs. No doubt he's secretly mocking your huge thighs and bulky calves. "I trust you ate?"

"Yes," you say, shortly, and leave the room.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

He comes into the bedroom, slides in under the covers, and turns his back. You swallow, and reach out to touch him. "Hux-"

He responds by snapping off the light.

You slide down the bed. As he begins to sleep, you turn your face into the pillow, silent tears streaming down your face.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Three nights later, it is another formal function. You decide to attend, straight from school. You pull on the same black dress you wore three weeks ago. No doubt Rey and Phasma will be sniggering at how tight it is and how much you bulge out of it. You walk to the elevator, and go to the floor. 

He's there, in the centre of a group. Kylo is next to him, and so is Rey. You approach.

Rey spots you first. "(y/n)?" Her tone is unexpected.

It is full of shock, and worry.

"Yes?" you reply, suddenly feeling exhausted. 

"Are you-" she's looking at you, biting her lip. Suddenly Kylo blinks. "My-" he stops midsentence. "I-" 

You shake your head. "Yes?"

Kylo's face is full of concern. "Hux,"he mutters, grabbing his arm and pulling him out the group. "We need to talk."

You watch as Kylo pulls Hux away. The two men stand talking. All you can hear is the background noise. Finally, Hux turns, and looks at you.

Horror. 

The look on his face is horror.

You no longer care what he, or any of them think. You just want to go home and sleep.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Two days later, you are at work. You're trying to explain why the Nuremberg Laws are important, and your voice fills with passion as you explain. 

Except, the room is not stable. Its tilting. Its beginning to slant. And suddenly, you can no longer speak. 

Blackness washes over you as you crumple to the floor. 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"Are you going to talk to me now?"

You blink. You're at home, in bed. Hux is standing next to the bed, perfectly tall and straight. Intimidating and imposing. He is still wearing his suit. 

"What-"

"You collapsed." He looks at you, and its clear he's struggling to find words. "You collapsed, and I was called. I drove to get you - actually, Phasma drove. As I was so upset she refused to let me drive."

"I-"

"And I brought you home." His words are becoming more angry. "I undressed you, I and Phasma. She was shocked. Ribs. Hip bones. A sunken stomach. That's what we saw. Your clothes are at least two sizes too big. Possibly three. And you have bruising - which is no doubt caused by too much gym, not enough iron."

You cannot speak.

"I rang your workplace." His voice is soft. "They say that they can't remember the last time they saw you go for lunch, and all you seem to live on is black coffee! (y/n), you hate black coffee!! What happened to those flavoured lattes you like?!"

"I, uh-"

"You're so thin!" he bursts out, and suddenly, he's crying. "You're wasting away in front of me, starving yourself, not eating -you turned up to my firm wearing a dress too large, that used to show your curves!" At this he's sinking onto the bed. "Have you any idea how shocked everyone was?! Kylo asked me if you were on a diet, Rey asked if you were ill!" He looks at you, his blue eyes streaming with tears. "What have you done to yourself? Why are you doing this?!"

"You really want me to tell you?"

"I want you to tell me, and tell me honestly." His jaw is tightening. "From the beginning."

"Hux, don't you ever wish you were with someone better?" You look at him. "Someone who isn't a drab, dull teacher, someone who goes to the gym five days a week,someone crisp and lean?" You look at him. "Like Rey? Like Phasma?"

He looks at you. "Are you seriously asking me?"

"Yes."

"If I wanted Rey, I'd have her." His voice is calm. "If I wanted Phasma, I'd have her." He glares at you. "But I'm with you. Remember when we met? I bumped into you in Starbucks, and you tipped half your latte down me."

You choke at the memory. He'd been so busy on his IPhone, he'd not noticed you politely asking him to step aside. You smile. "Yes."

"I was annoyed." He's also smiling. "But you offered to get my shirt cleaned, and I offered to buy you a replacement, and then we started talking. About books, music, films, and politics. And then I looked at you, and I thought - my God, she's gorgeous."

"Gorgeous?"

"Yes." He reaching out, gently stroking your face. "Clever, funny, fragile, determined, and tough." He's now actively brushing your face. "And I knew then I had to have you, only I also knew that this would be for a long time. Perhaps all time." He leans back. "And trust me, there are very few women who have ever made me think that."

"Hux-"

"And now," he's drawing you close, you curling up in his arms. "I need to take care of you. I need a woman who can handle me, and you can. But I also infinitely prefer it if you look like a woman, and not like a half starved adolescent."

You're cuddling up next to him. "I'm sorry, Hux."

"My fault as well," he whispers. "I take you for granted. And for that I am sorry. But, trust me, you were perfect before you started this." He is holding you very tight. "Perfect."

You feel that bond of intimacy forming between the two of you again. He kisses the top of your head. "I need to fatten you up," he murmurs. Then he blinks. "Poor choice of words, but I need to take care of you."

"On your cooking?" you look at him, amused. He blinks.

"Yes." He is locking his arms around you. "Or I'll order pizza, whichever you'd prefer." He keeps you close. "Please try and eat. Please."

"Will you lie next to me first?" you whisper. He pulls you closer.

"Never thought you'd ask."

As you lie next to him, his fingers are entwining i your hair. "I'm making changes," he whispers. "Ren is going to have to do more by himself. I'm leaving the office by 7pm every night. We'll eat together. We'll go to the gym together."

You blink. "You don't have to."

"No, I want to." He kisses you. "I nearly lost you. I never want to see you like that, ever again. And when you undress in front of me, I want to grab you and have you. Not feel as though I'm going to break you in half."

"Be careful," you mumble, your fears starting to lessen. "I might end up weighing 20lbs more than I did!"

He's got you tight. "More for me to love and ogle then." He is smiling at this. "But we'll start gently. I'm not planning on ramming a four course into you!" he looks at you. "This is going to be hard. But we can overcome it."

You nod. With Hux next to you, you know you can. As he kisses you, you close your eyes.


End file.
